The Hardest Part of Grief Might Be an Ordinary Tuesday
After everyone goes home, grief can catch you in the middle of an ordinary day. Claire Bennett offers gentle ways to navigate life after losing someone you love.
By Claire Bennett | The Everyday
At first, there are phone calls to return, plans to make and people asking what you need. Then the funeral ends. The visitors go home. Someone takes back the borrowed folding chairs.
And one ordinary Tuesday, you reach for your phone to tell the person who died about something that happened.
That is when grief can catch you off guard. The world has resumed its schedule. Yours has a person missing from it.
You might feel sad. You might feel angry that everyone else seems to be carrying on. You might laugh at a joke and then feel guilty for laughing. You might spend half an hour staring at a simple email because concentrating takes more energy than you have. Grief can show up in different ways, and those feelings can arrive unexpectedly. There is no sequence you have to follow.
Make the day smaller
When people say, “Take it one day at a time,” even a day can sound enormous. Try the next hour. Eat something. Answer one message. Step outside for a few minutes. Leave the rest of the list for later if you can.
These are small acts, but small is a reasonable size for a hard day. You do not have to turn each one into a sign that you are getting better.
It can also help to give someone a specific job. “Could you come with me to the grocery store?” is easier for a friend to answer than “I’m fine,” when you are not fine. You can ask them to bring dinner, drive you to an appointment or simply sit with you while the house feels too quiet. Hospice Foundation of America encourages grieving people to accept help in whatever form is useful, including company and practical support.
Keep the person in the conversation
People may avoid saying your loved one’s name because they are afraid it will upset you. Perhaps you would rather hear it. You are allowed to say so.
Tell a story about them. Make the meal they always requested. Keep a photograph out, or put it away for a while. If a birthday or anniversary is approaching, decide how you want to spend it when the day comes. You do not owe anyone a ceremony, and you do not owe anyone a brave face.
Moving through your life does not require erasing the person who was part of it. As the Hospice Foundation puts it, grief has no set schedule, and feeling its intensity ease does not end your connection to someone who died.
There may also be days when you want a break from remembering. Take one. A good afternoon does not diminish your love.
Let someone know when you need more help
Grief can be lonely even in a full room. If it is becoming hard to manage daily life, or you feel increasingly depressed or anxious, tell a health professional or grief counselor. A support group may help too. You can seek that support whenever you need it; there is no required waiting period. The NHS and Hospice Foundation of America both offer starting points for finding help.
The ordinary Tuesdays will keep coming. Some will hurt sharply. Others may hold a moment you want to share, and you will miss having that familiar person to tell.
On those days, do what you can. Say their name if you want to. Let somebody stay a little longer. Then meet the next hour when it arrives.
